I feel we can all learn best from the stories of others. Especially in the case of mental health, we all have different life experiences and challenges. Hearing how others grow stronger or what they learn can help our future. I wanted to share other people's stories to give them a voice they might not have, and help showcase coping strategies, as what works for me may not work for you. Having a multitude of stories will demonstrate many different strategies people have developed and ultimately help you find something that relates to you. At the very least these stories show you are not alone, and we all must prioritize our mental health.
Without future ado, I will share the story submitted to me by a wonderful woman in her early twenties. This story does contain personal experience with eating disorders, and panic attacks if this is something that will make you uncomfortable, maybe skip this month's post.
As a kinesiology major, I have learned that health no longer refers just to physical fitness. It is an all-encompassing term that included both physical and mental states. You cannot be “healthy” with one and not the other. The way you go to a doctor for a check-up when you feel something is not functioning properly with your body, you also need to do mental check-ups. They are equally important for all people. This can be done in many different ways and what may work for one person, may not work for another, meaning that there is no standardized way of handling mental health.
I have been an athlete, for most of my life, in a performance sport. Performance sports are sports where athletes give a performance and are given a score based on execution, difficulty, creativity, etc (sports such as skating, gymnastics, synchronized swimming, etc.) A hidden part of the score that most people are unaware of is how the athlete's body looks compared to their teammates, the other athletes, and how they look in their outfits. There is always a body standard and if you did not fit the standard, even if it was due to things that you could not control (genetic or medical), chances were, no matter how hard you tried, you would never be good enough. It would not matter if you were the fastest, the most flexible, the strongest, or the best, you did not “fit in” and that was the only way to succeed. Because of this, coaches governed their athletes with extreme intensity. As I grew up, I realized more and more that I did not look like the other girls in my sport, at least not the ones that got trophies and gold medals. There were parts of me that people of the general population would say were an asset (tall, curvy figure, etc. ), but my coaches just saw them as a hindrance. That along with some “constructive criticism” (on my appearance) from my coach, my mental health started to deteriorate. I missed out on many opportunities (Team Canada, Junior Teams), where I was statistically better than my competitors, and the only critiques I would receive were that “I didn’t fit the mould”. I ended up developing really unhealthy coping mechanisms and eating habits. I could feel my family and friends staring at me, worriedly, 24/7 but just too afraid to say anything aside from a rogue “you sure you don't want to eat anything”, or “just bring a granola bar, it's a 5-hour practice."
On top of body standards, our coaches would look their absolute hardest to pick apart every little fault we had and every little mistake we made. We would sit in front of a TV and watch our practice, where our coach would yell and belittle us about every move we made, “until it got through our heads”. We would silently nod and write down all of our “corrections” and do it again and again and again until we were exhausted. Then it came time for the competition.
Competitions were chaotic. I have watched countless girls run off to their parents with tear stains through their make-up or throwing up in the last stall so no one would hear them. It wasn’t uncommon to hear coaches threaten their athletes with extreme workouts if they didn’t win or parents leaning over their children making snide comments about their competitors. When I was 15, waiting for my turn to perform, after many sleepless nights, nearly paralyzed with fear, tears welling in my eyes, thinking my costume would rip because I was too big, wondering what I would do or what would happen if I messed up, I realized that I might have performance anxiety. Boy, did I choose the wrong sport? After my brilliant epiphany, I thought I should go to a therapist, so I told my parents, who were, thankfully, very supportive and looked somewhat relieved. We found a nice clinique with good reviews and gave it a shot. I found out I most likely had depression and anxiety. Putting a name to what I was feeling made it seem slightly less daunting.
After a few sessions, I decided that talk therapy was not for me and when I expressed this to my mom and she said “It's ok. We can try something else. You know, sometimes you can’t control the situation, we can find something that works for you”.
“Sometimes you can't control the situation.” Nothing had made more sense to me than that sentence. In life, some things are going to happen to you and you can’t do a thing to prevent, fix or change it and the only part you are responsible for is your own reaction. This isn’t to say that you can’t be frustrated, angry, sad etc. but at some point, you have to figure out how you want to react to whatever is happening. For people with anxiety, getting to a state, where you can make that choice, is the tricky part.
My brother helped me figure out that music and moving help me to alleviate the anxiety so I can calm down and assess my situation. We found this out before a particularly stressful competition. I had barely been eating for the past week and was exhausted. I had just come home from my Dad’s, where I was asked too many questions that I didn’t know how to answer about the competition, which was extremely overwhelming. My brother noticed that I was having trouble breathing and asked if I was alright and I said “I don’t think so, what do I do”. After that, my brother, panicked by my answer, realized what was happening and asked me what was going on. In a way that only one in the middle of a panic attack can, I stuttered and spat out whatever was coming to mind at that second, which made no sense at all but somehow my brother realized what was happening. He asked me to look at him for a second and breathe with him. Just follow his breathing. After about a minute of that, he explained that he was going to go grab his laptop from downstairs and play some music and I was free to move and do whatever I needed to. Of course, he blasted some sort of funk music at maximum volume (sorry to my neighbours) and we danced, wiggled and laughed until I felt better. Now that I had calmed down, he asked for me to explain what happened so with a slightly clearer head, I tried my best to explain how overwhelmed I had been. He just listened. Afterwards, he said, “I get why that would make you anxious but no matter what happens with your competition, even if you completely lost them all, I can guarantee you will be ok”. After that, I was able to eat the first real meal of the week. Slowly I worked on my eating habits and coping mechanisms. To this day, whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, listening to music, no matter how faint, or thinking of a song in my head, helps me to feel grounded.
These are the reasons why I encourage people to try different types of self-care or mental checkups. Just because one doesn’t suit you does not mean you are hopeless. There is an infinite amount of options that you can try to find healthy, useful coping mechanisms. Give yourself the time and patients to do so because you are worth that.
-A.N.
Words have power, words especially negative words can have a dramatic impact on others. When someone important in your life is constantly saying negative things to you, it can cause a lot of self-doubt, self-hatred and even affect someone's mental health. That is why it is always important to think before you speak.
Words have power please use them for good.
Until next time hope you learn to Love It All
Tia Van Der Gulik
Comments