Throughout my adolescents and young adulthood, I have experienced depression, anxiety, loneliness, and a general unhappy outlook on life, as well as a deep hatred of myself. Now, although I can struggle with these things from time to time, I feel I have developed enough coping strategies to manage these emotions, and sometimes even prevent them from happening. I am going to walk you through the struggles and strategies I have tried, what worked, what didn’t work for me, and my overall mental health journey.
I would like to acknowledge here that the start of the mental health journey may be upsetting and shocking, there is no shame in passing through sections if they are making you feel uncomfortable, upset or anxious. Sometimes it can be hard to hear some things, and sometimes it is hard to hear that someone else went
through the same thing you did.
The Beginning
My struggle with my mental health starts around the age of 13, this was before I ever even learned about what mental health is. Before I learned about depression or anxiety or really what to do with strong emotions. At the time I did not know what to do with my emotions at all, I didn’t know what to do when I was sad or angry or how to talk to people about what I was feeling.
At the age of 13, I hated myself so much. I was so overwhelmed by my feelings that I just thought I would be better off not being here.
I was so ashamed of how I was feeling, that I did not want to talk to others. I thought that these feelings were wrong, that I was not normal, and that I did not deserve to talk to someone about it. I was worried about being judged by people, and I almost didn’t reach out. That is where my mental health journey begins.
At the time there were some external factors that made me feel worthless plus my own self-doubt and uncertainty that many young adolescents face that destroyed my sense of self-confidence and self-worth. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of love, and felt so incredibly lonely even though I was not alone.
In December, the grade eight’s at my school went on a retreat. During this retreat one of the nights, we broke into small groups to play a question game. The point of the game was for 6 or so of us to learn more about each other, in hopes to strengthen our connection and make strong friendships.
The game started off easy with simple questions like, what are you hoping for the most in high school, if you could be any kind of animal what would it be and why. The goal was for the question to go around and for everyone to answer honestly. Then the questions got deeper, and we were asked the question.
Are you happy with your life?
I remember thinking what a loaded question. After two others admitted to some struggles they were going through earlier in this session I decided to answer this question honestly.
“I am happy at the moment, but oftentimes feel suicidal.”
This moment I will remember for the rest of my life. I was so emotional, I was so upset that I finally admitted this, but at the same time, I was so relieved. Relieved that I finally told someone, relieved that it was no longer my secret, relieved that I would finally be getting some help.
After this, I got to talk to a counsellor, and a psychologist for the first time. To be honest, I was incredibly nervous, but I learn more about myself, how my brain works and what coping strategies seem to be working for me. Although I was scared reaching out was the best thing I could have done.
My Coping Strategies
Now that you know the start of my story, what I have yet to mention are the coping strategies that I used all along without even knowing what they were.
When I was feeling really upset I would run. I would leave where I was and go on a run for like 30 minutes until I would start feeling better again. I centred myself in nature and the feeling of my feet hitting the ground. I would put my heart and soul into those runs giving it all I got.
Exercise fresh air, and taking a moment just to feel what I was feeling in its full. This was a powerful combination for me. Nature allowed me to see that there is more going on in the world than just what I am feeling, there is still the sun or rain, there are other people and there is a feeling of serenity. Running allowed me to get out the angry, sad and overwhelmed feelings. I reconnected with my body and got away from the negative cycle going on in my mind. Lastly, sometimes I would cry as I ran, I found hiding away from my emotions always made it worse.
Other times I would distract myself, play my favourite music, read a book, and maybe even take a nap. I would try to do something that would improve my mood, something that I enjoyed. Sometimes when you are feeling really strong emotions distracting yourself to calm down is what you need to do.
Then maybe the next day I would take some time to think about why was I feeling this way, and start thinking logically about what I could do, what I could change.
These are the main coping strategies that I used before I knew about mental health, before I knew about coping strategies and before I got professional help. They helped me through some tough times and gave me an outlet to express my emotions.
This is the start of my story, and the start of my blog Love It All. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. In future posts, I will go into more detail about types of coping strategies, share other people’s journeys as well as how I brought more joy and acceptance to my life teaching me to Love It All.
Until next time, remember you are unique, worthy, and important.
Tia Van Der Gulik
Comments