A few months ago I had the opportunity to interview about a topic that I teach in my workshops. In my workshops, I touch briefly on how to combat negative self-thoughts and how to overcome these thought patterns. As such I was so honored to be able to have a full 30-minute interview on this topic that affects so many people. This topic also led me to want to expand Love It All to what it is today, a place that teaches you how to accept yourself, love yourself and become your most confident self regardless of any mental health challenges. So that is the topic I would like to talk about today: how to overcome negative self-thoughts.
What are Negative self-thoughts?
To me, negative self-thoughts are thoughts that come up repeatedly, that are negative towards yourself or your capabilities. They often come in the form of self-doubt.
Some examples
I can’t do this
I am not smart
I am not enough
Thinking this way can lead to lower self-confidence, and the more you allow yourself to think this way the more likely it is for you to continue thinking in this manner. Negative self-thoughts can create a feedback loop - if you think you can’t do something, so you don’t even try, you are just helping to confirm the belief, creating a snowball effect.
Additionally, I have found that negative self-thought patterns can hurt your relationship with others. If you believe something you might believe that other people agree with this statement. For example, if you believe that you are not smart enough, you might assume that other people think the same thing about you, which can hurt how you interact with others. However, this is likely not the case. Most people are stuck in their own world, in their own little lane where they are mostly thinking about themselves and they don't pay attention to the little details that you may be self-conscious about.
How can we challenge negative self-thoughts?
Step 1 - Notice that you are saying negative things to yourself.
It is hard to work on improving your relationship with yourself if you don’t notice when you are saying bad things about yourself. You need to take the time when you are angry or upset, and you have these thoughts. Take the time and stop, and realize that these thoughts are not very nice.
Strategies
1) Adding Yet
This is the easiest strategy to start with. When thinking a negative thought you're going to add the word yet to the end of the sentence.
For example, I can't do this yet
This can help get your brain to realize that although you can't do something at this exact moment, nothing is going to hold you back from working towards your goal. At some point, you will be able to do what you set your mind to do.
2) Talk to yourself like you are your sister or your best friend
You would never walk up to your best friend and just tell them that they cannot achieve their dreams, that they're not capable and that they're not smart enough so why do you think this about yourself? If you talk to your best friend that way they might not want to be friends with you. So reframing how you think when talking to yourself or when thinking about yourself is just as important.
When you notice this, take the time to try to understand why you're feeling this. Usually, these feelings don't come out of nowhere so take time and notice what the thought is and why you are thinking it.
3) Prove your negative self-thoughts wrong
So this exercise takes some time and some steps but it can help you fundamentally change the thoughts that you're having.
The first thing that you need to do is be able to identify what are your negative thoughts and write them down. Then start thinking about why you think this and get really specific. For example, when I was competing for Miss Canada Globe a common thought that I had was that I am not enough. Well, that's a very vague statement and what does it even mean? Who is to Define what is enough? What does it mean for me to be enough? What am I measuring up to? I have no idea. So I sat with this thought and I got really specific why did I think I was not enough. What it boiled down to was that I did not think I had enough of an impact in the community that I was making enough of a change to deserve to win the title of Miss Canada Globe. These are two very different thoughts, but I can actually do something about the second one.
After you identify the reason you're having thought you have two options
1) Create a goal to help you overcome this thought/reason
To do this, think about the reason and think about what you can do to overcome this. If I don't think I'm making enough of an impact. Well, can I get more specific what impact do I want to be making? Or another example: if I think that I am not smart but the reason is I'm just struggling in math class, well maybe I take the time to look into talking to the teacher for extra help, or see if I could get a tutor, or doing extra practice problems. All of these steps would help me to understand math better so that I don't keep having these thoughts.
2) Prove yourself wrong
The other option is to prove yourself wrong and to do this you would list all the reasons why what you said is not true.
Going back to that I don't think I'm making enough of an impact. At the time I had already had six blog post and was volunteering for a local organization that was important to me. That is making an impact on my community, and this reason shouldn't be holding me back or having me think that I'm just not good enough. Maybe I want to do more and I set out a small goal to achieve before the pageant or to achieve in the next few weeks so I can help overcome this thought cycle. Lastly, reverse your original thought including your reasoning. For Example, I am more than enough. I have already done six workshops in 5 months with plans to do more when the school year starts.
4) Look back at your old self. If you told them where you are now would they believe it?
Would they be proud of you? From this, you can see your true potential and know that you can do what you set your mind towards.
How can we help others?
In General
Treat everyone with kindness. If someone receives 4 compliments and 1 insult they are more likely to remember the insult. Be the person giving the compliments
If you are close with the other person
1) Be open with your thought patterns. I share some of my thought patterns here and in my daily life, I share these thought patterns with others. I talk these thoughts out loud because I don't want to believe the negative if it's not true. Being open about, and having these discussions with others, might help them rethink their own thoughts.
2) If they say the thought out loud, try to list the reasons why it's wrong.
For example, I used to get overwhelmed when doing school work and I used to say I can't do this. My mom would be sitting there and be like, yes you can, you can totally do this just take it one step at a time. That little reassurance helped me to build that confidence within myself and helped me realize that I could do it. I just need to work towards it one step at a time.
Your negative thoughts and your worst thoughts about yourself do not define who you are and who you can be. By challenging these thoughts you're opening your mind to the potential of more, to the belief that you can do more, that you can be more. If you told me 2 years ago I would have a blog and be looking to compete internationally I would have thought you were crazy I would have thought there was no way but because I'm continuously challenging how I think about myself and improving myself to being the person that I want to be I was able to achieve these goals.
Be kind to yourself and kind to others until next time
Remember to Love It All
Tia Van Der Gulik
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